Everyone knows the oboe plays that very first tuning note at orchestra shows. But oboists aren’t just glorified tuning forks. They get big lines in famous symphonies. They’re the secret weapon of chamber music.
And — most important of all — they set the fashion standard for the orchestra.
A well-guarded fact is that oboists shoot to thrill and dress to kill, and the rest of the orchestra spends its time trying to figure out those bold sartorial moves.
Here for the first time we’re blowing the lid off oboe fashion. I present to you the Classical Dark Arts Fall ’14 Oboe Player’s Lookbook. The concepts you see here will be the standard by which tomorrow’s streetwear is judged.
Windbreakers might become the number one, must-have accessory for any self-respecting performer.
Fetuses are trending nicely this year, just in time for Fall.
They say a smile is the best accessory. Know that a creepy smile will never go out of fashion.
Creep-smile variations. If you can dream it, be it.
Bow tie, suspenders, beaded bracelets. Stylish, practical.
Putting faux-oboes (fauxboes) on the wall instead of playing them is how oboists are staying ahead of the fashion curve. Not playing is the new playing.
So much to unpack here: brown & gold Santa tie; wire-rim glasses accenting beguiling, three-quarter-closed eyes; blousy white shirt sans undershirt. I don’t want to say oboists are in a class by themselves, but this clarinetist doesn’t stand a chance next to his oboe companion here.
Dressing well in Second Life is as important as it is in your First Life. Note this virtual oboist’s ensemble — all black, white accents up top, jacket cut to the belly button (and hands completely detached from the instrument?). Swag on top of swag.
Come September, conjoined twins will be trending hard.
Ski masks and flannels are for the musician ready to play a show, knock off a 7-11, or do both in the same night. Note ski mask on top of glasses.
It’s been a heavy summer on the Brooklyn facial hair scene. In light of this, Burkhard Glaetzner came up with the big save for Fall: bushy, well-manicured facial topiary is just what the conductor ordered.
Strut your stuff in these eyeglass hangy-down thingies and be the envy of your plain-glassed friends.
Tagging up your block shows your art-sense extends way beyond clothes. Don’t even come around here with your Comic Sans nonsense.
T-shirts with your shitty Photoshop design and whipped up on Café Press are the perfect component for a DGAF night out with the bros.
This young buck has the intersection of style & comfort cornered: white breathable polo, kickaround jeans and pillowy lace-ups. Watch bills fly out bystanders’ pockets.
Subtle but powerful: using prolonged sun exposure you can achieve that “wearing a shirt, yet not wearing one” look that so few non-oboists can pull off. Difficulty level: high.
Being locked up with tons of time to practice oboe after being found guilty of a giant Ponzi scheme could be Fall’s most underrated look. Combine with years-old, vertical stripe shirt for maximum impact.